The mask I wear.

Hi everyone. I am sorry for not posting in a long while. There are two reasons for that. one: I have just been swamped with so many things. two: I have had a serious case of Writer’s block. I apologize.  This post is going to be different from the usual posts I have done. But I feel it touches more on a subject that I’ve probably have talked about ad- nauseam: the subject of depression. I think there is sometimes a misconception about those of us who suffer this: that we aren’t strong, that we are extremely vulnerable to everything. This isn’t true, this is the furthest thing from the truth. I think that it is those who have depression who are the strongest, or at least hide our weaknesses and give the illusion of strength. I think we all, depression or not, wear masks. We wear masks to hide hidden pain or insecurities. That isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes it’s OK and even necessary to rip them off. The one issue I face with this is with my autism, I can’t very well articulate how I feel. This is why in this post, I thought I would write an open letter. I am writing an open letter to everyone who asks if I’m OK when they suspect that I’m not:

To the relative or friend who noticed me,

I thank you for noticing and asking. I want to tell you the truth because I love you and respect you like you love and respect me, but I’m going to lie to you. I don’t want to but I’m going to. I am going to because I can’t tell you the truth, I really don’t know how to speak it in words. If I was able to tell you, I would and it would probably be this. here’s the truth. I am not O.K. there are times where I feel as though I am in the funnel of a tornado and I can’t breath because the wind is suffocating me and I can’t see anything but darkness and debris. I want to scream but the roar of the wind blocks it out. The wind and Debris keep battering me and knocking me down each time I try to stand and the only light I can see in this darkness is the occasional flash of lightning. I know deep down if I tell you this, it might make me fell better but I can’t. I am so afraid that if I tell you this, you will think I’m a psychopath. I also don’t want to tell you because I don’t want you to be sucked into the storm with me. So I am going to lie to you and tell you I am fine. I am going to lie to you and wear this mask of strength and joy so you are protected from seeing the horror and darkness that I am facing. I will wear this mask because I don’t think you can help me. so I will endure my pain alone. But since you have noticed that there is something wrong, you can do something. just be here with me. don’t ask what is wrong or try to get me to talk because I won’t be able to say. Just be here with me and do something that cheers me up. Talk with me, make me laugh until it hurts, watch a movie or tv show with me as I ride out this storm, or just give me space to deal because these storms always pass. That is what I want to say to you. I love you and respect you deeply and I know you would do anything to help me, but you can’t so I’m going to lie to you and tell you that I’m fine. I’m sorry.

sincerely, Spencer.

 

1 thought on “The mask I wear.”

  1. Your words are beautiful and truthful. Thank you for opening up and sharing. You are touching those who have autism as well as those who don’t. You are strong person! God bless you!

    Like

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